Pregnant with the possibilities my heart in its freedom invents,
I experience awe that 'I' should be so graced and so forgiven.
To be in service continues to reveal itself as 'the Way',
always returning the giving manyfold increased to 'me'.
How then could I not allow the release of the old, the past, the feared?
How then could I not allow the receipt of the present, the whole, the freed?
And where within the 'me' lies unseen the remnant saboteurs of peace's union?
"Nowhere that is real", I hear the quiet answer,
and recognize it as True.

A whispered instruction
from emptiness
countered my conscious intention,
and I almost missed it,
thinking.
Life rolled along,
unfolding,
and (naturally...)
confirmed the whisper.

By being silent,
and deeply listening to the voice
of the Way,
I find the path
most perfect.

Faint clues have always lain through-out my life
as a constant whispering reminder
that 'things' are not as they seem to be.
Isn't this wonderful?
Like a background sound
which disappears from awareness
in the speed and haste
of busyness,
or, like the walls of a canyon which
eventually I blindly bump against,
these faint whispers prick at me--
at first, from deep in my dreams of denial,
until the sharpness of the point increases enough
to get my attention.
What a blessing that life would love me so!
How grateful I am learning to be
to the unnameable Godness
which has designed such a perfect universe
for this one to live within,
complete,
excluding nothing,
including all,
--- pains and sorrows,
joys and triumphs---
and finally,
at the last,
open access to simple endless silence.

To be free and self-honest enough
to be authentically magnetic,
alert to seeing deeply into who is attracted,
to offer sincerely the best you have freely,
laying no entrapments,
that they may receive as they will
and leave when they choose, enriched,
as an extension of your own selfness,
this is the pure work of the healed,
the truly whole....
living daily the bodhisattva example.

Like a blank canvas,
blank pages are 'art in waiting':
as this mind quiets, focuses,
it becomes receptive to impulses of the unexpressed
arising like bubbles into the conscious awareness.
Words appear,
representing semi-crystal thought structures
whose facets are magnetized at will,
adjusting their interconnectedness this way and that,
searching for the perfect utterance---
perfect in the sense of reflecting the trueness existing
in the depths of beingness.
With regular 'exercise',
this 'trueness' becomes 'living presence'.

Therefore, I am being guided to set aside
empty time,
and to practice empty mind.
Thus do I find,
like a diamond hunter,
the many-jeweled teachings,
hidden in plain view
in the midst of everyday life.

Seems I have been walking through a no-man's-land,
with nothing to do but continue....
At times in light, at times in night,
sometimes embraced, sometimes abandoned,
is it ever any different for you?

The Sunday-school song which programed my POV (point of view),
"this world is not my home, I'm just a passin' through---"
I've felt its truth, haven't you?
Yet this current, this reality matrix I stand upon is so extremely fluid,
so ungraspable by my solid-reality-seeking linear mind---
even constantly sitting at the feet of the best cosmic consciousness transmitters
I have been able to 'find'
has left my 'I' as yet dominating this still-seperate one.

Ah, the paradoxes of destroying 'me'.
How exquisite, that union the 'I' thought seeks, when tasting that,
there exists no 'I'.

This morning, the act that 'woke me up' was simply taking off my socks.
I suddenly became present to a clear choice:
'do' the action 'impeccably Zen'
(folding them and lay them on my shoes),
or let the act 'happen unconsciously'
(drop them on the floor as I head to the shower)....

In that microsecond insight,
I also saw all life constantly offers the exact same choice....
each instant becoming an opportunity to be present THIS moment,
(meaning to have let go of clinging to anything....
and yet at the same time to be fully engaged and awake)
recognizing how the 'path' is being created THIS moment,
the point the entire actually real universe sources from.

Infinitely repeated,
the never ending choice to be present
surrounds my life, your life, all life.
It is always available if quietness is deep enough.
I continually find only counterfeit, temporary happinesses
in any other use of awareness,
especially if oriented toward 'future' or 'past'.
And, the subliminal anxiety I can often feel
running through my mind and body
when 'not fully in the now',
when over-concerned with mentally created projections,
what purpose does it serve
excepting the perpetuating of suffering?

Therefore, the Way teaches each of us desirelessness,
as we are willing to learn.

The patterns of the light overnight snow,
enhanced by the track of a lone feline,
etched itself in my artist's mind as I walked
the now routine block to the Zendo.

Under a western sky awash with dawn,
crested winter jays sang a trumpet chorus of ecstacy,
and my heart also joined in graditude
for the gift of this presence.

How immeasurably stretches this inner silence,
causeless, formless, absolutely free.
Lying so humbly beneath all existance,
supporting all phenomeon,
it is my only true love.

The knowing that I am only a door
frees me from believing
there is any specialness.

The knowing that I am only a mirror
frees me from believing
there is any other.

The knowing that I am only a thought
frees me from believing
I will actually die.

Here, I find my peace.

And the knowing that you are no different
frees me
to be Love.

Letting my heart feel,
like stretching in yoga,
means: to embrace (with self-love)
the pain of being known and vulnerable.

Admitting (especially to myself) my 'mistakes',
the 'revelations of my own foolishness',
means: no longer living any commitment
to escaping the re-sculpting
of this spirits journey.

Therefore, I now 'practice yielding'
(all former ways of knowing
before the naked face of truth,
revealed quite simply as what IS).

As this natural surrender to emptying progresses,
I find my heart becomes ever lighter,
carrying fewer burdens of egoic self-perpetuation.

And thus,
a far greater joyousness is awakening,
being always more and more freed of intense longings,
it quietly or wildly dances (no difference) the Now, the Tao,
embracing both my own birth-less/deathlessness,
and mortality.

On my knees vacuuming
the bird feathers left by the cat
in the middle of my yoga mat,
I strikes me how much I enjoy
simpleness.

Sweeping the floor,
watching clouds,
walking,
making my bed....
all so truly satisfying,
so ordinary,
and so unconflicted.

In these days of challenge,
I am profoundly grateful
for such humble moments.

Deepening the self-disciplining....
Through the doorway of ever subtler presence,
everything becomes purification ritual,
everything is recognized as 'the Way'.
Surrounding ones being,
from birth to death,
the daily rhythms....
waking, washing, watering,
walking, working,
eating, cleaning, smiling,
embracing, loving,
even reacting, rejecting, retreating....
all is included,
all is allowed.
The only question is
"Who is this I who is this I?"

The impeccable understand
there is no escape from facing this.
No matter when or where it is finally accepted,
'not two-ness' unifies eternity.

What is the merit of practice, of discipline?
Choosing to accept the invitation, the opportunity,
this one rose early and joined the monks at the neighboring Zendo
for the morning zazen sitting.

Waking and walking the body on frigid winter mornings is definitely good for it,
as is also sitting it on a cushion facing a wall for an hour.
Hooking the mind chatter onto breathwaves is calming, clarifying, and insightful...
just as chanting monotone recitations of ancestral masters
extends my sense of the living interconnected presence into distant past vastness,
naturally deepening the awareness of just how infinite
the life I exist within actually is.

But the simple act of bowing is particularly potent.
Why? Perhaps it is just the simplicity of recognizing,
in such an act,
the absolute equality of each and every form of beingness.

I am given to see that such equality is truly the essence of Love.

No denials allowed now.
By grace,
the surrender to
actually feeling
the price of a lie
within our separated lives
is intended to be painful...
to be awakening.....
life transforming.....
because a lie lived as if it were truth is,
not just 'like hell',
it is self-created hell.

Therefore,
to escape such isolation and blindness,
practice self-honesty impeccably.
It steadily deepens its lovers
beyond personal
seduction, self-deception.

By knowing myself, I know you.
Because I know the place in me where I am shallow,
I can see and accept the shallowness in you.
Because I know my own tendency to narcissism,
I can recognize and overlook the narcissism in you.
Because I have struggled to learn to love myself despite my own pettiness,
I am able to find a smile to offer in response to yours.
And to the degree I have been able to feel my own pain,
I can feel yours.
My teachers on this journey are present no matter what direction I face,
and irregardless of the disguises I attempt.
And since I have found escape from myself impossible,
I no longer try.
Instead, to stop the running,
I have studied compassion as a practice.
It teaches me peace in the midst of war,
shows me the joy laying under the sorrow,
and blesses me with a growing sense of interconnectedness to all existence.
But its greatest gift is the disappearing of the fear of non-existence.
For herein I have found the freedom to Love.
Even myself, and even you.
How could it be otherwise?
Follow the ecstasy into pure silence and you will see.
By knowing yourself, you will know me.

By doing nothing
when I am awash
with old hooks jerking at me...
this practice lets me see
beneath my own surface...
confirming the steadily growing
totally free quietness,
and the release
of impermanent identity.

Touched by your tears,
I hold you,
letting the hands of my heart
sing tenderness
as simply as
the deep quietness
within me.

Life comes, this time like a teasing dancer,
kissing my still-to-closely held fantasies into a blinding fire.
Then how you ruthless test my will to purify
the addicted, the outward-yearningness within,
still harbouring
the insane hope of personal 'survival'
on this journey.
And how you laugh as I wail in grief,
as I lose 'myself' in your Shiva.
Well, Destroyer of Illusion, you want this plaything?
I must say it's getting to be more of a pain than 'I' can bear....
make me a cheap offer....
you might get lucky.

Only because I too have run away from love's call
can I understand and have the compassion to endure
this impaling.
Only because I too have denied my own courage
in favor of my habit of comfort
and then tried furiously to bury the nawing, disturbing voice
of my own imprisoned consciousness
can I bear the cross of betrayal
without insanity.
And only because I have been given to see
that this crucifiction is my reward
for living a life worth living
can I recognize the kiss of God's love
in your abandonment.

For Sally....

Ripping my heart with Nowness, you die,
leaving me to join untold other mourners,
all who held you as soulfriend.
It was a good ride though, wasn't it.....
in the kingdom of pure hearted compassion,
you were my Queen,
she who always knew the true in me,
no matter how I tripped over myself.
Well, Sally my dearest friend,
as the tears dry and then flow again,
I am immeasureably grateful and humble
for the grace of your life kissing mine....
As you travel beyond the beyond,
may I, with what life is left in me,
thundershower all Beings with your diamond love seeds.

Calms seas ...... the chance to mend the minds ripped sails,
stretch the muscles of the body, and feel the breath lift away the unconsciously held.
Grace gives each of us days like this if we are lucky,
but I suspect for most of us a whole day of true peace would confront us with boredom.
However willing we are to receive,
it can't be denied we are all the same in the need.
Like an unsinkable ping-pong ball tossed in a tempest,
we are children of eternity whether we like it or not.
Totally out of control and in the grip of infinite intelligence,
it is useless to resist anything.
Namaste.

Impermanence.
I embrace reality.
Each birth a death,
Each death a birth.
No one immune,
and none excluded.
Finally, no separation.
Finally, peace.

Grieving what could have been,
where will that take me?
Obsessively reviewing all the almost -connected near misses of my heart to yours,
so unlike horseshoes,
does it count as anything but neurotic avoidance of feeling the inside fears shouting---?

What if I just let it shout?
What if I just didn't believe them anymore?
What if I didn't fear my fears?
What if I was that free?

Where is there not
the poison,
God?
Where is the place
in me
without any hardness,
where my original heart softness
can dance
Love
without inadvertently tripping over
(my own or anothers)
past woundedness
just waiting
to be de-scabbed---

just waiting
to bleed once again---

the poison of old
angers,
hates,
shames,
fears.

Just waiting to be felt.

Watching 'my' life
lurching,
spinning,
struggling to stay balanced,
structured,
while the chaotic strobelight
of rights and wrongs,
of self and other,
seems to be
struggling just as mightily
to break,
to crush,
whatever of this 'me'
remains....

Longing to find
safe refuge,
here am I,
naked as created,
once again simply
a babe
being born.

The gifts of the broken heart,
distributed in non-random impeccibility by universal grace,
absolutely includes the destruction
of all concepts of being right or wrong,
alive or dead,
alone or connected.
When I try to find any way out of swallowing whole my brokenness,
all the universe offers me is addictive medications.
From this,
one might come to see
Self-love as the only valid wholeness.

Approaching One Year.
Uncountable hours sitting,
feeling the fibers of truth,
the fibers of human connectedness
gently and infinitely patiently
reach across the Wound.

I am the certainty that there are no 'accidents',
no mistakes, no victims
in Reality. Yet what was this,
this huge ripping of several billion hearts
in a single moment?

The more silence inside, the freer I am
to embrace myself as everyman.

Southern Oregon this summer has been synomous with 'smoke'. The gift of this to me has been a measureable increase in my appreciation of oxygen, and a sweet lesson before the mirror of detachment. Thinking the wilderness cabin I spend summers in was possibly in immenent danger from a rapidly growing nearby forest fire, I was challenged to conduct an inventory of 'valuables' with which to 'escape'.... and revealing how strong my attachment conditioning yet is. Moment by moment, no matter the circumstance, the Blessing continue.

The Cocoon time gives way to the warming of the heart
as the summer of love lessons continues....
As she who was enemy unveils,
who knows what magic is afoot?
Only pretendng to be asleep,
the entire universe watches every move.....

Memorial Day 2002

As a memorial to the eternal presence of God,
I offer thanks for the simple soft rain which fell steadily through the night.
These parched New Mexican soils dance with ressurection at this blessing,
having not been bathed by sky-waters for so long
that even the most devoted of sun-worshipers joined in the rain prayers.
May I, in simple gratitude,
walk this day awake to the blessing you bestow
within each and every breath.
Amen.

"The capacity for self-love and the experience of being loved by 'God' are identical...." The realization arrived unexpectedly (as usual) during a morning shower. "Whatever remains of the tendency to experience the seperated states lies rooted in unexposed feelings of unworthiness," my voice for God continued. "See all the recent ego death firing squad events in your life from the perspective of Ultimate Love, and you will see that they are all supportive and blessing actions.... gifts given to help squeeze to the surface and into the light that which desires to remain hidden. The completely selfless hide nothing, knowing no fear of exposure. When fully purified, what 'others' think of you is of no consequence, for the reality of 'God's Love' is all-incompassing....." Feeling blessed, baptized, and connected to wholeness once again, 'I' finished showering, and emerged to greet the day in graditude.

Bowing to profound mystery, I practice going nowhere,
and thus find clarity arriving like a fog thinning in mid-day.
Who is there that does not understand this?
It takes such immense effort to stay frozen in the boiling desert sun.
Why would a free one choose such suffering?
Irregardless of the mind's bellowing, all roads lead only to it's surrender.
Herein lies my understanding, sure joy, and certain peace.

Beautiful non-resistance,
beckoning the heart ready to surrender the struggle,
how I welcome your exquisitely timed teachings,
appearing abruptly in my unprepared nowness,
measuring honestly both my truth and falseness,
then holding the black-white-gray scale mirror of reality before me
with the greatest love.

How free one is as nothing.

May the Peace be with you,
May Knowledge heal all ignorances,
May Love make you Free,
and may God's presence radiate
in sweet perfection from your eyes.

"It's not 'my life' anymore", 'I' suddenly realized. It was a bit shocking, at first. Still, it makes perfect sense. As the personal identity sense continues to erode, becoming thinner, more transparent, all possesives shift from singular to multi-plural. And 'who am I?' becomes alive, appearing like a fairy-godmother/cosmic jokster, always right on time to pull the plug on the mind whenever (yes God, please) individual orientation densifies. Thus thrwarted again and again, little by little or alot by alot, the surrender continues.

In the summer of 1989, during one of his short earth incarnations, Everyman learned a valuable lesson while dancing with a just becoming very famous Marianne Williamson.....

Although the private Aspen lodge setting was idylic, and the food had been scrumptious, the dance floor socializing seemed to be a little stiff-collared. He wondered why at first, but was happy that it gave him the opportunity to ask Ms. Williamson for a dance.

Everyman's 'nobody' disguise was 'conference volunteer'. With his "fool in love" heart glowing, while they danced, his personal interest in her was transparent and he could not conseal his projections of her.

To make a long story short and honest, she kindly turned him down. Not the dance---- just his offer to personalize fantasy. Thus did Everyman learn that authentic people to not harbour or encourage illusions. Today, as he practices the same discipline, he reveals his graditude for the lesson.

"What is the space here an expression of?", I hear the question spoken into my mind, from a somewhere intangible intelligence. I recognize that voice as my 'teaser'--- like a trail of crumbs calling me into self-examination, as my 'guidance systems' know I often need a brain-bone to chew on. As I shift from semi-daydream to edge-of-the- chair alertness, I notice the sense perception antennei rapidly re-evaluating my surroundings. Then I get it..... "The space here is an expression of falseness", I answer to the no-one. "I am in truth an awake being, yet I was manifesting persona, the mask of ego....."

Like the crucified Christ saying "It is finished",
I release the past.
Like the eagle leaping from the bough into space,
I embrace this moment.
I am met by freedom's Kiss;
it is honest, completely true, totally trustable...

First, a thought.
Then, the awakening to the thought,
the watching of the thought,
then, back to here,
back to now,
back to breath and body.

Then, like a wave, another thought,
another awakening, another moment
watching the mind ocean.

Slowly, the quietness deepens,
horizons expand,
until Being is Awake in "God".

What are words, O God, before the reality of Life and Death? I rip open on the everpresent here-nowness which impales my mind to despair, breaking this heart of hope. She dies, he dies, it dies, I die. Same, same, all one. Nowhere a thought to believe in capable of bringing back alive that which is going, going, nearly gone. Like the nonexistant finality all existance arises from, the kiss of Death makes real all true Love. Thus am I liberated, made naked, and freed.

"One of the tests of Being is detachment," Daud heard Everyman whisper during a meditative moment. "There is no true freedom without it---just entangling subtle body desires responding to sense stimuli. The Law of Freedom, while compassionate, is exact. Any clinging creates blindness, and of course, blindness is bondage." Hearing this, Daud felt much more clearly the webs around him. Thus exposed, he breathed more freely, sure again of his direction...

Dear God, Thank you for getting me to Santa Fe in time to support Laila's soul choise: transition or miraclulous healing. To have spent this afternoon with her cancer ridden, retching, dehydrated, pain-racked and nearly hairless frail body--- and yet to look into her clear eyes and see the same Grace and Glory that has always emanated from her dancing Sufi soul.... once again You are the Everywhere Everywhen Aliveness that never dies..... eternal, beyond the body, provider of each moments perfect unfolding---- you teach me the way of awakeness to You in each instant. Amen.

Once, in the distant time 'before Daud', there was the younger incarnation of Umacharan.

Umacharan had hear of the Baba from friends, so when he chanced upon the poster announcing the Baba was to come to America, he decided to make a long pilgrimage to see him. And during that journey, as God would have it, he spent the night as guest of people who knew some secrets of the Way.

Even thusly prepared, Umacharan was greratly astonished when, the instant his eyes first saw the Baba, he beheld the shimmering blue secret mark (on the forehead between the eyes) that confirmed the Perfection of Mastery. After a few seconds, the irridescence faded, revealing under it the normal red-painted hindu third eye, and leaving Umacharan certain of what he seen, yet slightly confused. As if to answer any doubt, the Baba, walking past Umacharan, reached out and touched him on the arm.

That evening as he meditated, Umacharan experienced powerful, spontaneous 'kriyas' for the first time, a sure sign that his sleeping kundalini had been awakened by the Grace of the Baba's touch. Thus, he embarked as a new-born being, upon a long, unending journey, which rightly began as a simple teaching of doubt and faith.

"I wish to be holy,"
Daud said secretly, silently to God,
"What must I do?"
"You have done it,"
God answered,
infinitely more quietly,
"by your desire I have taken your hand....
now, we walk the Way together..."

Today, as I feel the morning sun warmth on my body,
I give you thanks, God....
As I breathe the slow breath of yogic attunement,
and I feel the graditude in my heart rise up and wash the world with freshness,
I give you thanks, God....
As I feel the chilling March winds blasting my nakedness
like a mothers hand scrubbing her infant,
I give you thanks, God.....
......for just my being Alive,
and Here,
held in your all embracing Is-ness.
From beyond the awesome,
eternal, and infinite,
you kiss my heart,
unblinding me to the Grace of your Presense
in the overlooked and commonplace.

Thank you God, for the miracles of this day....
For the Grace you have shown,
the lessons you have offered,
the peace you forever lead me toward
whenever I forget that You Are the Only Reality.
May I remain humble to your unfolding Diamond Flower within me,
standing only on your True Knowledge.
May all Beings be Freed from fear and suffering.
May my life be of use in Your service.
Amen

"What you have Seen,
use both 'Time' and 'the Now' to Be,"
the Shiva spirit said to Daud's crucified personal heart.
"Do not resist
those that destroy---
they only bring closer the ultimate Freedom,
where no 'separated you' remains."
Listening thusly to Wisdom,
Daud learns of Joy
in suffering that is not suffering,
knowing his God loves the willing.....

Once, while visiting his teacher, Daud had a dream that enlightened him greatly.
He dreamed he was bound on a medevial torture rack, dying in horrendous pain, when suddenly he began to laugh uncontrolably. His torturer, compelled to inquire, demanded to know "Why are you laughing?". Daud replied, "Because I have just seen how absolutely free God is within this Creation.... That you, dear torturer, were my own dear mother in another lifetime; and that the Divine now chooses to use our soul-bond in the most opposite way imaginable, in order to teach my soul the true meaning of Freedom.....and Love."
At that, Daud awoke in his habitual body, but into a completely transformed world. Thus did he learn to practice being grateful for all situations, and to be compassionate towards everyone.

Entry A.


(Like Confusius)
Prasad says,
"Don't believe your mind."
And Papaji says,
"Wait and See..."
And Gangaji says,
"That's right, just don't 'get into it'...."
So Daud the thinker
circles the doorway
seeking the Opening,
like the "fish that is thirsty",
while Daud the Lover
is simply Silent.



Entry B.

"Near Prescott..."

Ha!
the wild and rebellious scream--
driver of this lifetimes imaginings--
is stopped dead in its tracks
by the ten seconds of mindlessness,
when met eye to eye,
by the true aliveness
of a roadrunner just being itself.

Forgive me God, for having fallen once again into the trap of taking this life personally. Thank you for helping me to see, through the painful events of this turbulant winter, what you mean in the Bagavad Gita by "Name and Fame and Gain, and Loss and Shame and Blame are all the Same". That when I am 'of the world', i.e., lost in identifcation with a 'personal identity', I am buffetted by the capricious storms of phenomena's domain, where being right or being wrong wage viscious battle, hypnotizing the unaware. Profoundly I thank you God in me, for your constant silent Presence in which to rest, reawaken, dehypnotize, and become The Wholeness again. The smile in my heart glows as you play your love music, using a 'me' full of nobodiness as your song.... Amen